Last Night

One night he asked, "are you okay?"

"NO" i answered, "But i don't have a choice. Im supposed to be angry but i don't find it worth it. Im supposed to be very sad but i can't be sad for the people around me."

"what can I do to help?" he continued

What help should i get from you? Friendly help? That help where you hug me and tell me everything will be alright?

I'm crying right now and I don't think that everything will ever be alright.

How easy was it?

To find someone new?

How easy was it?

To transfer your feelings?

How easy was it?

To decide to leave it all?

Tell me. How easy?

I did nt reply from there. There's no point.

To What Degree

They say that your first love will just be your first. First.

Not necessarily your last. Because first means something will follow.

After the break up, I have lots of thoughts. From sadness to angst to regret to love and to his happiness. For the third week of February, I learned a great value of happiness, that if you really love someone, their happiness should be essential to yours. That you should not be selfish and only think of yourself. A relationship means to be related to someone. You are not alone. But now I am. Feeling alone.

It's just sad how your mood changes just because you received a text from the person you like- you love, loved. I for instance wakes up very happy after receiving a good morning text from him. And it will be enough to jumpstart my day! It will be enough for me to say good morning to all I come across in our office. It will be enough.

I really like him. Love. Loved.

I will stop. Because, this is not right. He has a new girl. The one. And I know it.

---

from this day onwards.

Stuck in Reverse

When you're trying to get back to the usual you, but then you stop and stare for the nth time on your phone. Hoping for that familiar number to appear. But you know that it never will. Because you're done. Finish. End. 

And you will just have to be contended with your question of endless why's and his clipped explanations.

And you will be sad, angry, because you realized that he was your world, that he was your smile. That he was the person you can never come to hate. 

And you will be sad, because you know that he will never be back. He. Because he changed and it was your fault. So you should be sad, because you caused him sadness, tears, and now he's not the same as before. And you want him back. 

To cope up with your loss. You listened to your family, because who else would love you like your mother, who else would protect you like your father, who else would cry for you like your older sister, who else would back you up like your little sister, who else would cheer you up like your little brother. And you will be happy, because right in the middle of your broken self, there are people who are willing to go to some great extent just to paint a smile in your face. And you should smile. But not the smile you used to make when he's around. 

Slowly.

Very slowly.

You tried to move on. 

Because he stopped texting you. Because he ended it with a very hurtful text, he likes someone else and he will never come back.

You wanted to start your life again. Slowly, you buzzed your friends, and because they are only a handful, you talked to them one by one, each giving you positive thoughts. Each hurt by your sadness, because they are your friends, few but true. 

You moved on.

Because you started looking at your life and what you have accomplished. Because you have your house to fix. 

You start your life again. Slowly, you stapled your heart, because it's taking an extra time healing. You looked at all the positive side of things. You smiled even at the sky who only knows how to mirror your heart when you were crying. 

You forgave them, because you know nothing comes out of angry words, you know that it can only hurt you and worst, hurt him, again. And you don't want to hurt him again, because that's what you usually do. 

You got your smile back. 

Slowly.

Steady.

You stopped needing his attention. You stopped looking for his approval. You stopped looking for him.

You stopped. 

---

For the endless night sky who accompanied me through my sadness.

The Reason

There is no such thing as coincidence, only fate, and fate was the reason I revived this little rabbit hole of mine.

It all started last August 2014, I came to know someone who happens to make my heart race in the most comforting way!

It was mid January 2016 when I realized that I could share, in words, all these feelings and emotions that I have been silently keeping for him.

For one, I am not a sweet talker, he is. 

Whenever I feel happy or "kilig" as we Cebuanos coin the feeling of inloveness if there's a word for it, I just keep it. 

Keep it until it becomes a barrier so strong even I could not break.

But just this month, we came into this big big fight on our monthsary. Because I did not came on the time we agreed on and we ended up not seeing each other. I tried calling him for like 20 times but he ignored me. So I broke up with him. I usually am like that.

He tried calling and texting me by the morning but i ignored him. Still because I'm like that. Partly because I came to realize that we were slowly drifting apart. He changed. In a not so good way.

We talked and I told him what I've observed, even crying because I was hurt with the way things are. With the coldness in his eyes, he told me he was slowly losing his feelings. Kinda shocked and kinda slapped, I just stared at him. He asked for space. I can't give it to him. I don't see the point. Why would you ask space when you're losing your feelings, it's like adding more reasons to lose your feelings. As the saying goes, out of sight out of mind.

We officially broke up.

And so, instead of reviving this to share cute, sweet and forever-ish things I will post nonsense feelings that goes nowhere.

STOP

Stop.

Before you send anymore of your hopeless romantic love declarations, listen up dude:

He, always forgets
He, made you feel disrespected
He, has lots of priorities
He, ignores you in facebook
He, doesn't understand your feelings
He, doesn't have the same interest as you
He, always thinks you have someone you're having fun with
He, will never come to your house or to where you are if you quarrel
He, will rather share and tag someone else than you
He, does not call you just to hear your voice
He, did not bought you a gift on your birthday because he has lots of priorities
He, will not care if he's mad at you
He, will not answer your call, even if you made gazillions of it when he's mad

He, will rather drink than talk about your situation

He, will rather enjoy the company of other people than yours if he has problems

He, doesn't understand your silence.

He, doesn't

--- 

to you who made me feel something

Kareshii

I was happy. 

With you. 

Cause you said you were meant for me cause you're the type who never lets go. And it made me happy. Cause I know I'm crazy. Very hard to please. Just plain hard. But you said you'd never give up.

Iloveyou.

Loved. 

And I don't know how to put it in words for you to understand that I love your nose and eyes, that I appreciate your effort. And that I know it's not easy for you but you chose to do it.

I don't know how to tell you that everytime you hug me I forget all the wrong things. That every time you put your head in my shoulder I feel this tingling sensation and I like it.

I wish to tell you all that. 

But I'm me.

So I can only wish.

Euphoria

Our company is currently busy with lots of stuffs. One of those is the General Assembly this March. There are lots of things to be prepared, like the pamphlet, the date, the attendees and most especially, the theme. I want to stress on the theme.

I was quite busy as well when they started with their little meeting which includes all the heads. They were talking about one specific word; euphoria. I first heard this word when I was in elementary, I heard my older sister used this word while reading a poem. At that time, I didn't really cared about the term, just that it was good in the ear.

Now, I stopped and thought of the term, like really, euphoria, from the first time I've heard of it up until today, I always associate it with "drugs" For a better understanding and for the sake of defending my association of it to drugs, let me google the definition:

eu·pho·ri·a
yo͞oˈfôrēə/
noun

a feeling or state of intense excitement and happiness. "the euphoria of success will fuel your desire to continue training" synonyms: elation, happiness, joy, delight, glee

I haven't done drugs, it's just the feeling I get from the people in movies or in series  who acts being drug addicts.

Today, I did not feel any joy, I was happy that I was doing many things but it was not glee nor anything that can be connected to euphoria. After realizing it, I stopped, like really, there are things that you are happy but at the same time not.