When a Girl Changes Her Hair.. .

She changes her life. 

Yesterday, after our movie date with my friend, I accompanied her to the salon. Prior to our date, she was already talking about cutting her hair. Her reason: donate it to cancer patients, very noble and very kind, bt a lie.

Why?

Because while in Mcdo, I probed her enough to make her confess that it was partly because she decided to move on (BIG WORD). "Move on from what?" I asked, "from him", saw this coming. We cn all agree tho, usually, especially with girls, the reason they move on  are guys. She has this crush / workmate for a year now. Within that year, they've already been to dates, exchanged thousands of messages and even tried the HHWW (holding hands while walking), her first. Bt they are nt a couple, he's nt even courting her. Within that year, the guy never made a move on her, never actually gave their relationship a label, never said anything that could become a hint that he likes her. Or maybe he does, as a friend, a company or a travel buddy, bt never as a girlfriend. 

While talking to her, I realized yet again that the things that I was telling her were the same deym words I too needed to hear. Girls tend to be like that, words are already enough, actions cn already satisfy, it doesn't work that way. Words should be reinforced by actions, and actions should be understood by words. Don't believe the old saying, "action speaks louder than words" it doesn't, nt now when there is already a big shift with the way people treat others. 

Because of her circumstance, my boredom and well, fun, I've decided to make a list of the little things that I should do to change my life:

• Change your hairstyle- "why does it always have to be me?" says the hair, well, changing your hairstyle, esp chopping it off if it's long, literally and "illiterally" makes you feel light. Let go of those unnecessary emotions that's dragging you down!

• Revamp your wardrobe- the new you needs a new armor too! it doesn't have to be fully bt gradually, take the first step. Let go of that old self and embody the new and 2.0 version of you.
• Do new things-  this one is a bit cliche' and I tell you it really is, bt it won't hurt to try. Find a new bt also relevant things to do, say, cooking, swimming or like most of my acquaintances, running. 
• Learn a new attitude- THIS IS FUNNY. I've actually done this, it may sound hard, bt it's actually a lot easier when you try it. As for me, I tried learning to laugh at almost everything, and it doesn't really matter where I am or who I'm with. 
• Talk to people- basically, talk, you don't need to talk about deep things, just let your mind play with words, let it speak, you will be amazed by your own thoughts, or scared (lol). If you're already talkative, then good!
• Go to events and places that interests you- by going to events, you will be able to meet different kinds of people with the same likes as you. learn from them, they sure cn offer varied things that you cn work on. Going to places cn spark inspirations and realizations. Travel.
• Say YES!- because opportunities sometimes knocks only once, by saying yes, you cn learn the things that you don't know, appreciate what you already do, and love what you don't. as what they say, you only live once!
• Refresh your playlist- I dunno why I added this, bt a lot of us do listen to music, and even if we don't admit it, we subconsciously feel the lyrics or the rhythm. Making us vulnerable to unwanted emotions, so! 
• Capture every moment- like how you captured every possible angle for that selfie, also capture moments, a nice sunset? take your phone or if you have a camera with you, take a shot! regular bonding with friends, take a groupie, you sure will look back and laugh at your funny wacky faces that time ;)
• Enjoy everything. Fear is a LIAR- never question your capabilities, if you don't try, you will never know! 

I'm no expert on this frankly speaking, we all have our ways of renewing ourselves! bt one thing's for sure, just be you, that's something nobody cn ever do!

---

the thing about pain.

If Words Could Kill

It was a night like any other nights, we were outside talking about everything reachable by the human brains, because we click that way. 

But actually, it was the night where I was dead serious on cutting him out of my system. I was tired of our mutually unlabeled relationship. I was tired of feeling like I am begging for his attention and time, I was tired of it all. I was tired of being tired. Aside from the fact that I'm nt used to being in this kind of set up, I'm also nt used to being treated this way! He seems like he is nt serious and sincere, he was good with actions bt was unable to clearly explain it with words. 

As I counted the things that needs to be stopped with our plight, he looked at me like how he looked at the sky with all the twinkling stars, his favorite; stars. I don't know what he was thinking that time, I want to hug him and tell him everything will be alright, the same words that I badly needed to hear. Bt nothing came out, nothing happened, we just stood there in silence. Stared at each other, calculating our next move, or the next move of the other one. It did nt look good in any angle. It was bad, we were drifting apart, slowly. Then he asked, "why is this happening?" 

.. .

Silence

I don't want to feel any of what I'm feeling right now. I'd rather feel nothing at all. So I will let you go.

---

how to die an awful death.

Up to the Brim!

Last May 21-22, 2016 is my first ever experience in seeing people come together in professing their love and commitment to God. I was humbled especially to the sharers, awed by the speakers, and basically taken-a-back by all of the participants who gathered in the four corners of Danao Subic Center.

When I attended the conference, I thought I knew love, I thought I knew how to distinguish it, I thought I knew how to discern people who speaks of it. No, I did not, not that well tho. As what I’ve learned from Tito Amit, love, is not just the happiness that you feel when you’ve watched the movie you’ve waited for ages. Love is the joy that finally, you have rewarded yourself a gift, may it be in a form of a movie or a dine in or shopping, it is internal, permanent, and constant. Love, is not just a feeling, it is like a prayer, it has lots of forms, but, whatever form we use, the important thing is the posture of our hearts when we pray; constant and consistent, as what Sis Gilda phrased it. Lastly, love is not something you can easily ask from someone, it is given freely, so when someone gives you their love, may it be their time, advice, or their blessings, a simple thank you is the only answer! And of course, as Tita Jo Anne said, “pay it forward”

I came in with little knowledge of things, but came out full, up to the brim! With wisdoms and learning’s, but then again, this is just the start. Because as what Tito Marthin said, “We have a God who wants us to be eternally happy”. Ask, believe and be ready to receive His blessings!


---
This is the reflection that I have submitted as part of the Docu team for our Community's Provincial Conference. 

This is part of my do the things that you like program, where I just do things without second thoughts, I'm a planner you see, bt now, I'm learning the art of spontaneity. At first I was very excited as to what I'd be doing in the conference, bt then I realized it was very simple. All I need to do is listen to all the talks. Bask all the information and understand it. "Very easy" I remembered telling myself. Bt then, when I finally met the other writers, whom I already know, I was kind off pulled back, these people write, which I confirmed when we were in the v-hire off to the venue, they read and write. Nt that I want to compare myself to them, that's the least that I'd do, bt I can't help bt think, gesh I'm such a mediocre compared to these three . 

I was anxious and a bit lost after the conference. I did nt know what to write, I did nt know how to start. I did nt know what to entitle it. Basically I did nt know anything. So I just let my subconscious do what it does best. I let it flow, and before I knew it, I finished a reflection a day before the actual submission. And it's nt actually bad as well, it was pretty simple tho. I was happy with it, so carried away, I immediately submitted it to the editor. A bad move, I was planning to have it proofed read by my sister bt she was still unavailable that time so I forgot. When she buzzed asking me bout it, I just forwarded the reflection with the thoughts that she'd have a nice review. A total opposite to what she gave. "It was simple" nt a nice comment, I tried to explain that I did nt want to give a deep reflection because the sessions itself are already deep. She laughed at me and told me she would have liked it if it was deeper. So I became worried about my reflection, this was my first time writing for a few more audience, well, this one doesn't really count since no one follows me and or reads my entries. I told my sister about my struggles on the other writers and about my simple reflection. She reassured me telling me that it was simple because I totally understood all the talks. That was why I was able to translate and write it down into it's most simplest form. I regained my ground, still a bit worried, I can't really do much now since it's already with the editor. So I just let it pass, thinking, this is just for this time.

I moved on and forgot about it, then the reflections were published, and I was shocked to see people liking my reflection. Nt that it was well liked, bt it was read, and liked~

Even more shocking and gratifying was when I was congratulated and praised by the other three writers. The other one even said I was good in playing with words. It really made my day! And it made me realize, when you do what you like, you shouldn't care much of others thoughts about it. Trust and have faith in your abilities, you honed it for like all your days on Earth afterall.

Reaching

After my first break up, I started hating my phone. It is useless and seems to do nothing bt remind me of the person who's supposed to be texting me. Which I do not enjoy. I was used to having someone at constant communication. 

When I met T, and started exchanging messages with him. I learned the art of replying after, two or three minutes or maybe five or 10. He does nt reply instantly. He once told me that it cn either he's doing something (wc apparently is at all times, based on his replying schemes) or he fell asleep (wc I've experienced a couple of times). 

The one above, is an example of our exchanges. What difference does today have than the other? As you can read in the convo, my last message was me informing him that I already forgot his voice and face~

After that last message, he called, only to remind me of his voice. I was kinda happy with what he did. I told him if he was alarmed that I've already forgotten his voice and face, then he told me he just pitied me cause I was like a kid. It was a cute gesture, and I know that he was joking and that he was alarmed (his veeeery sarcastic) I told him I now remembered and we jumped in to a new convo. There's just lot's of things that I want to tell him. He asked me to sing a song. He sang me a song last time so he is asking me now to sing him a song too. I sang him a few lines of Reaching, it is a Christian song that I was singing since I woke up. For your reference visit this: 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UByrCER9Ppw


I never realized how happy and excited I was while telling him snippets of the things that I wanted to tell him face to face until my sister snapped at me telling me to go out because I was very noisy. I remembered what I've read in Nisekoi, it's a Japanese comics that I follow. The story is about a guy who likes two girls, bt in the end he must choose only one. He was in a crossroad when his bestfriend told him about some small points he might want to consider to know who he loves. Here's a screenshot of what his bestfriend said:

This made the guy realize who he really loves. Although I did nt fully believed, the things that the bestfriend said stayed in my mind. I can't seem to forget it. So every time I find something, or experience something, I always take note of the first person that I want to tell it to.

For now, I'm beginning to be grateful with my phone again, nt because it keeps me at constant commu with T, bt because it taught me to wait and to give space and time to things. And that, nt all things needs to be told thru messages. Talking in person is way better.

---

this and other drugs

4:45 AM thoughts

"How are you?" he asked, through a text message. He was currently in their province.

Nt fine, bt you don't need to know. You don't need to hear. That I'm dying to hear your voice, that I missed you so much! That I want to see your face. That I want to feel your cool, calm, collected aura. Because it is too early. It is nt the right time.

You don't need to know, because, maybe they are right, I still need to contemplate on this really hard., 

I will try.

I don't know how. 

I've opened myself to you enough to want you to stay. Please. But I don't want to hurt you, or burden you of a mess that's me. I hope this were all a dream. And I'd wake up still having everything from the start."

No, him, no, you, just me.

Can't everything be that simple?

I told him I'm very fine. Another lie~

---

from the start

Fixing a Broken Heart

While eating in Front Gate one night,  T told me he is actually busy, we were talking about his busy sched stopping him from gaining weight. I asked what's keeping him busy and he told me he is fixing a broken heart.

I looked at him and laughed. 

I continued by asking him who it was, but he won't say it. Well, I have an idea.. .ME?

Maybe it was me, well, let's just say for arguments sake that he's referring to me. Because after that talk, when we were outside our compound, when I mentioned about my ex just citing a memory, he then said that I still haven't moved on. I don't believe it, well, I did not agree to him. I told him that just because someone talks about a person from their past doesn't mean they want them back. Like the past, is the past, yes, but it's still a part of that person, you can't just erase it easily. It's a part of them.

He looked at me and said, that's why sometimes I don't know what to do to you, sometimes I get sad cause you're soo negative and pessimistic and sometimes pity you cause you're talking about your ex. (told in my own understanding) 

I was kind off taken-aback by what he said, he pitied me, like seriously??!. My reply was pretty obvious, so don't tell me you're just talking to me cause you pity me? 

He laughed and told me no, then continued, but if you really want to move on, you need to forget him. 

I don't see the point of forgetting, it was a good memory, I will not haha.

We laughed and moved to a new topic. We click that way hahaha

---

to my optimist pet! thank you, you are, as always, thoughtful XD

talk April 30 - May 1, 2016, Tupas St. Flores Compound