My Lie in April~

It was a lie, when I told you we were already in a relationship with that person. It was a lie, when I did not reply to your last message 4.28.16. It was a lie, everything. 

But I was happy with the result :) 

I'm happy for you nam. You finally found your happiness!

As for me, I don't think someone would ever accept a broken, problematic, selfish, mean, rude person so maybe I'd just stay single and take care of my parents haha.

Hey nam, remember these? hahahah they still exist in my drive :D

This entry will be my last post about you. I don't know what to write anymore. 

I was sad, when I read your post, I questioned myself, was I that bad, have I not given you happiness. Maybe I haven't. That is why I won't try to be in a relationship anymore. Because I destroy people. I don't know how to appreciate, to love and to care for them. I don't know anything. 

Thank you tho, for showing this to me, it hurts but it's essential for me to learn. I have always thought that you won't give me the pleasure of being brokenhearted haha. But you did, so easily. When this is all over, I wish I'd have a chance to meet you again. In another circumstance, maybe another lifetime. 

or in a parallel universe, let's meet again.. .let me show you what you've taught me ;)

---

nagareboshii

Personal Hell

For our sharing in the office, where I was one of the sharer (Tuesday) the question was, where do I go or what do I do to be happy? why?

A very simple, yet very tricky question. Why?

They say, being happy is a choice. Really? Can you instantly be happy just because you wanted to be?

Because I don't. I won't. 

Even if I tell myself to be happy. Even if I threaten me, I won't be happy. Even with a big giant smile in my face. Deep down, if I'm sad, I'm sad.

Yes, technically, I let the sadness succumb me. I let it take over. Feel it. Feel it until it doesn't feel anymore. I don't usually cry, I don't usually get sad, even with all the troubles in the world, I don't. But you can never tell, especially these past few days. I've been sad. Terribly sad. Not because I lost my happiness. But because I've loved the wrong person. Who would've thought that I would get sad because of my name- love.

Eventually I will be happy. It will take time yes. But going through the process will help you gain a lot of understanding about yourself. And now I know, I'm not as strong as I thought as was.  I'm not all smiles. It's not always sunny. It's not always kya kya~ You sometimes need to feel hurt. To feel sadness. YinYang.

You, what do you do to be happy?

---

there goes my heart.

There Lies the Problem

During my highschool days, I never thought about relationships. But I've read about them. There's just soo many books about them. From strangers turned to lovers, friends turned to lovers to lovers turned to enemies turned to lovers again and the list goes on. I live there. In the comfort of the books. So I've never really experienced a real romance during high school, which supposed to be is the height of that.  

But because of books, I made a criteria, qualifications of my future boyfriend, and deym, there are too many! Well, I was idealistic that time. Just for FUN, here's the list:

QUALITIES OF A GUY (my version)

. Has a negative aura (long live the pessimists!)

. Quiet, timid, shy type, cool guy 

. Tall

. Small or petite (but heavier than me)

. Not white, not dark

. We have opposing beliefs (ha ha ha! So I can argue)

. Fights back when taunted or argued (in a sensible manner)

. Enjoys my being cynical about love (he he he!)

. Smarter than me, but lazier in that manner (hahaha xp)

. Loves my being narrow-headed (egocentric!)

. Talks only to me, smiles only to me (selfishness right)

. Does hover.. .only to me

. Laughs at my clumsiness (gyahaha)

. Easily gets jealous

. Gives time for everything, knows how to be caring

. Knows how to sing and dance too!

. Knows how to draw animated pics

. Loves ANIME!!!

. Not boastful to his deeds

Don't be quick to judge, I was a highschooler back then, and it's quite funny, I actually found the list in one of my "diary" hahaha it pays to have one ;) tho, I omitted some of the qualities, partly because it's too funny and partly because I don't want you guys to read it lol.

Six years later.

I've experienced love. Tried the sweep-you-off-your-feet moment! And fell hard. Like gesh! Really hard.

But it did not last. Good things never do. 

But don't worry, I'm moving on ha ha ha! 

This is just one of those times where I'd stop and think about the "how's" and the "why's". So when I found the list, I was kinda knocked by my senses, real hard. 

There lies the problem. 

We were too busy looking at a list of the qualities that we want we forgot to appreciate each other's differences. 

He, for one is a people person, he goes to his friends, drinks, have some night life. While here's me, who just enjoys the comfort of my home, a friggin home body. While he enjoys dancing, going to gym or going out to jog, I enjoy reading, watching anime, eating, watching movies at home or cinema. 

Add those up, it will be an awesome pair. 

At first.

But not for long. Because at some point, he started questioning why I don't allow him to drink with his friends. I started getting tired and turned down every invitation of going out with him and his friends. Every time I tell him about a manga or a book that I'ved read, he will just brush it off. Not really listening. Not really caring if I finished the story or not. 

We lost interest in each others interest. 

There lies the problem.

Maybe we have some of the qualities that we both were looking, but is it really an assurance? Will you be able to continuously love a person if they have all the qualities? will it be enough? 

No.

Because loving a person shouldn't be bounded by those. BECAUSE when you choose to love a person, you should love them as is. Who they are. What they're made of. What makes them "them". Their tears, laughter, their anger, anxiety, their face when they're hungry, pissed. All of it. Most importantly, what they will become.

If you can't, leave the person alone so the right one can come and love them right. 

So! I'm waiting for Mr. Right :) and I hope he will choose to still love me even if I'm broken, mean, selfish, rude or even if I change. 

---

because I'm soo deym tayeeeerd of going in circles. 

The Art of Hating~

He'll stay with her but he loves and miss me. How is that even possible?

How can someone recklessly tell you he loves you while being in a relationship to somebody else at the same time ?!

I'm evil. selfish. mean. rude. But I can't do that. 

I can't fake emotions. I can't fake feelings. But how can he so easily do that? 

Was it taught in school? was it learned? have you developed it after being in many relationships? I don't know. I want to know. Because, you're hurting people with that. I thought you were good, I thought you care. It was all words. You were always good with words. I miss you. I love you. You're cute. You're beautiful. I will never let you go. Forever.

Words.

Will you just stop sprouting words that don't really mean a thing. Will you stop saying things that you can't even prove. Will you stop giving hopes. I can only take this much. I can only take this much. Any more will kill me.

I'm sad today because I believed in you. 

I will be sad this week because I still believe in you.

I will be sad for this month because I have always believed in you.

After that I will hate myself, for being a coward and choosing the happiness of another girl more than mine. I will hate myself because I will let you go even if I know that you are my only happiness. Only. I will hate myself because I will let you go even if I still love you.

So! to finally say goodbye, to err, officially break my last hope, let me write a love letter. 

Dear Nam,

How do you write a love letter?, I wanna receive one too. Hnn, maybe this is a bit late, because it's been what, two months already. Two freakish hellish months down hahaha! 

Okee! so how do you write a love letter?

For me it would be like this, I will start with the most cliche' part, the one where you look at me and my heart would flutter like it's about to leap out of my chest. I will start it with telling you that every time you place your head in my shoulder I would feel this tingling sensation and I really enjoy it and would then wish that you don't remove it there. 

And then I will describe your face, your happy face, the ones I took in MountainView, when we spent the night there. Your smile was irreplaceable. Your jealous face, when you told me you don't want other people to send me home, when we saw each other in Avalance Fuente. Your cute face, when you try to remember something but in the end you still forget. Your angry face, which I seldom see (only in your house, or when you talk about your work) because you always tell me that you don't ever get mad at me. Your hungry face, when you want to eat longganisa in Chinese Ngohiong and I will always taunt you for not eating ngohiong when we're in fact in a ngohiong store, you're weird that way haha. Your thinking face, where I will pinch your nose because I want to. And then there's your "that" face, which I only saw once, and that was when you told me you're slowly losing your feelings. And it broke my heart. deym. Your face when you tell me I'm cute, beautiful, when you tell me you love me, you miss me. Your face when you're pissed because I always play silly jokes on you or tell you I don't miss you or I don't love you.

Even when describing your face I'm already happy hehe. But let's not stop there. Remember when we were talking at SRP, with the big gigantic sea in front of us. We talked about almost anything, for me that was priceless, priceless than the movies that we've seen. Than the places that we've been to. Because above anything else, I am very interested in knowing you. I want to know your likes, dislikes, your favorite color, food, what irks you up etc. I want to know your plans. What keeps you going. What motivates you. What makes you who you are.

I love you nam.

I now have the courage to say it because you're not mine already haha, because I won't have the privileged of loving you anymore. I'm sorry. Because when we were together, you seldom hear this from me, because I'm not good at saying what I really feel. Because I love you so much I can't put to words what I feel. So I called you an idiot instead, or stupid, I called you a kid, immature, someone with so many f**k ups. 

When I say stay away from me every time we fight, but all I ever want was for you to say  "no".

I'm so sorry Nam, from the bottom of my heart.

When I just stay silent every time I have problems with your actions, when I don't tell you what you've done. When I shouted at you (well, I really have this small voice so it won't count haha) When I always question your decisions. When I asked you for impossible things, e.g make me your priority. When I wake you up in midnight because I woke up. When you end up awake because you don't want to sleep ahead of me. When you end up borrowing money from your aunt because I want to watch a movie or eat out. I'm very sorry Nam. 

For all the memories that I have deleted in fb and tried deleting in my brain. Thank you so much! You were so sweet. So thoughtful. So caring. It's so good to be loved by you. But now, I can only smile at those memories. Because at those times, I was truly happy. 

Please be happy. Because I want you to be :) because that's the only thing that I'd be wishing you.

Love,

Your Star.

15 Degrees of MisUnderstanding

When he lies about her name.

When he lies about the day they met.
When he tells you they don't click.
When he tells you who brought them together.
When he says he doesn't love her.

When he calls you by your name.
When he says everything with conviction.
When he tells you he'd leave her.
When he looks at you like you're the only girl.
When he says he loves you.

When he lies about her name but calls you by yours.
When he lies about the day they met but says it with conviction.
When he tells you they don't click but won't leave her.
When he tells you who brought them together and expects you to believe.
When he tells you he loves you and doesn't love her.

It is always better, at all times to say the truth. 

Even if it hurts. 

Even if it makes you cry. 

Even if it will make the person you love hate you. 

Because she never will. But she can stop. Stop opening her eyes to see your beauty. Stop listening with her ears the words that you speak. Stop seeing you, like how she sees you before. Stop thinking. Stop breathing.

And you will never know the degree of what you've cost her. Because you don't understand her. Because you never did.

---

To you whom I love to hate.

If This was a Movie

If this were all a movie. And you just want to find yourself. Find it in someone else, but in the end you will comeback. Like how the car you are in came back when you realized it was me who waved. When you came out of it and went where I was. Like how you sat down and awkwardly smiled because you were kind of drunk and we were sane. Like how we locked gazes and created an understanding whatever the understanding was. 

If this were all a movie. And you asked for space, but you will realize that all you have ever wanted was me. Like how you want to dance. Like how you want to exercise and go to gym. And you will tell me you still love me. And you will do anything to win me back. 

If this were all a movie. And you will come to our house, talk to my parents, and tell them you're sincere. You will tell them that you are sorry and that you want me back.

If this were all a movie. And everything will turn out right, because with you everything turns out to be alright. 

If this were all a movie. And in the end, there will be a happily ever after. 

but it's not.

It was never a movie for us. We were just playing with everything. Me thinking you will stay. You thinking I'm enough. But no.  There was never an us  

---

to the person who made everything right.