The Art of Hating~

He'll stay with her but he loves and miss me. How is that even possible?

How can someone recklessly tell you he loves you while being in a relationship to somebody else at the same time ?!

I'm evil. selfish. mean. rude. But I can't do that. 

I can't fake emotions. I can't fake feelings. But how can he so easily do that? 

Was it taught in school? was it learned? have you developed it after being in many relationships? I don't know. I want to know. Because, you're hurting people with that. I thought you were good, I thought you care. It was all words. You were always good with words. I miss you. I love you. You're cute. You're beautiful. I will never let you go. Forever.

Words.

Will you just stop sprouting words that don't really mean a thing. Will you stop saying things that you can't even prove. Will you stop giving hopes. I can only take this much. I can only take this much. Any more will kill me.

I'm sad today because I believed in you. 

I will be sad this week because I still believe in you.

I will be sad for this month because I have always believed in you.

After that I will hate myself, for being a coward and choosing the happiness of another girl more than mine. I will hate myself because I will let you go even if I know that you are my only happiness. Only. I will hate myself because I will let you go even if I still love you.

So! to finally say goodbye, to err, officially break my last hope, let me write a love letter. 

Dear Nam,

How do you write a love letter?, I wanna receive one too. Hnn, maybe this is a bit late, because it's been what, two months already. Two freakish hellish months down hahaha! 

Okee! so how do you write a love letter?

For me it would be like this, I will start with the most cliche' part, the one where you look at me and my heart would flutter like it's about to leap out of my chest. I will start it with telling you that every time you place your head in my shoulder I would feel this tingling sensation and I really enjoy it and would then wish that you don't remove it there. 

And then I will describe your face, your happy face, the ones I took in MountainView, when we spent the night there. Your smile was irreplaceable. Your jealous face, when you told me you don't want other people to send me home, when we saw each other in Avalance Fuente. Your cute face, when you try to remember something but in the end you still forget. Your angry face, which I seldom see (only in your house, or when you talk about your work) because you always tell me that you don't ever get mad at me. Your hungry face, when you want to eat longganisa in Chinese Ngohiong and I will always taunt you for not eating ngohiong when we're in fact in a ngohiong store, you're weird that way haha. Your thinking face, where I will pinch your nose because I want to. And then there's your "that" face, which I only saw once, and that was when you told me you're slowly losing your feelings. And it broke my heart. deym. Your face when you tell me I'm cute, beautiful, when you tell me you love me, you miss me. Your face when you're pissed because I always play silly jokes on you or tell you I don't miss you or I don't love you.

Even when describing your face I'm already happy hehe. But let's not stop there. Remember when we were talking at SRP, with the big gigantic sea in front of us. We talked about almost anything, for me that was priceless, priceless than the movies that we've seen. Than the places that we've been to. Because above anything else, I am very interested in knowing you. I want to know your likes, dislikes, your favorite color, food, what irks you up etc. I want to know your plans. What keeps you going. What motivates you. What makes you who you are.

I love you nam.

I now have the courage to say it because you're not mine already haha, because I won't have the privileged of loving you anymore. I'm sorry. Because when we were together, you seldom hear this from me, because I'm not good at saying what I really feel. Because I love you so much I can't put to words what I feel. So I called you an idiot instead, or stupid, I called you a kid, immature, someone with so many f**k ups. 

When I say stay away from me every time we fight, but all I ever want was for you to say  "no".

I'm so sorry Nam, from the bottom of my heart.

When I just stay silent every time I have problems with your actions, when I don't tell you what you've done. When I shouted at you (well, I really have this small voice so it won't count haha) When I always question your decisions. When I asked you for impossible things, e.g make me your priority. When I wake you up in midnight because I woke up. When you end up awake because you don't want to sleep ahead of me. When you end up borrowing money from your aunt because I want to watch a movie or eat out. I'm very sorry Nam. 

For all the memories that I have deleted in fb and tried deleting in my brain. Thank you so much! You were so sweet. So thoughtful. So caring. It's so good to be loved by you. But now, I can only smile at those memories. Because at those times, I was truly happy. 

Please be happy. Because I want you to be :) because that's the only thing that I'd be wishing you.

Love,

Your Star.