Curiouser and Curiouser !

I once saw a bird, so happy and jolly flapping its wings up in the sky

I was jealous at how free it soared oh so very high

So I tried its wings and went to the great celestial dome

I realized defying gravity is not in any of my bone

I once saw a fish, with its gills and fins happily enjoying the vast body of water

I was jealous at how it swims and see the marvels down under

So I tried its gills and fins and went to get awed by Atlantis

It only made me dive for just a couple of minutes 

I once saw a cheetah, with its legs that can sprint to see the wonders of Earth

I was jealous at how it can run 109.4-120.7 kilometers per hour

So I tried its legs and marathoned to Earth's lands

It sucked up all my energy I can't barely stand

I got tired at trying things meant not for humans

So I went out to see the sunrise one November morning

And became jealous of the sun, how it shone and how I was inloved with it

So I smiled

And it all made the difference



--
two years and a day

Atashi with a heart emoticon

Nicknames people call you?

         - Ella, Love, Nate, Lablab, Dam

Describe your Daily routine?

         - routine'ish

What are your hobbies?

         - singing, annoying people, watching movies, eating, READING

What else do you do in your free time?

         - staring blankly at things or spaces

Special talents?

         - being sarcastic, annoying people 

Song you usually play on your playlist?

         - Chaos Myth (calming song)

Favorite number and why?

         - 15, coz it's comforting :3

Favorite food?

         - Calamares

Favorite actor or actress and why?

         - Myung Geon Young, coz she has this amazing "stay away from me" look

Favorite drink?

         - Mogu-mogu

Favorite holiday?

         - ALL SOULS DAY

Favorite Expression?

         - "cheeps!" / frowning-questioning-almost-glaring-look

Favorite Sports?

         - Tennis (tho I don't play it) 
Favorite color?
         - Gray, white

Describe what it feels like waking up on Monday mornings

          - feeling "i don't wanna wake up"

Describe your soul mate…

          - someone who is complimentary to me, can scold me, advice me, laugh with or at me, argue with me and ofcourse, who can understand me.

Describe in one word, Friendship 

          - Loyalty

Describe in one word, LIFE 

          - Just

Describe yourself in 3 sentences?

          - Curious about everything. Easily gets bored. Likes deep talks.

Do you believe in love? Why or why not?

          - Yes. Because what else could make a person do more than they should.

Do you have boyfriend?

          - No

Best thing that ever happened to you?

          - Living

Your name in your phone?

          - Love Ella, Abot ko ang Mundo (Globe)

One thing that you Love the Most about yourself?

          - my being frank or straight to the point, less drama

What is/ are your weakness/es?

          - overthinking

Someone who knows all your secrets?

          - ME

What inspires you?

         - the thought that I am not alone in this battle

What is the funniest thing that has ever happened to you?

         - 

What is your least favorite word?

         - maybe

What type of friends do you look for?

         - those who'd never leave me even if I tell them to

What’s the best advice you've given or been given?

         - from my mentor, "daghan pa ang mo abot. with your charm daghan pa ma ilad, hehehe" 

One thing you'd change about yourself?

         - overthinking

What’s your favorite quote/saying?

         " A man's reach should exceed his grasp of what's heaven for?"

When was the most peaceful day you have had?

         - early morning at the beach

Where do you want to be in 50 years?

         - hopefully not inside a coffin

Who have been your closest friends in life?

         - Vv, Nice, Daisy, Crystal, Rachel

Who is your secret crush?

         -  L.

Who would you most likely talk to?

         - thyself

Worst mistake?

         - trusting humans

Your dream? 

         - to be a person of value

Your Romantic ideas/expectation about Love!

        - 1 Corinthians 13:4

What is your deepest fear?

        - to be misunderstood

 Your Full name?

        Lovella Gelig Flores

 Your Birthday?

        :)

Darn This Feeling

While searching for a nice quote about happiness (why I'm searching it will be in some random entry) I stumbled upon this quote:

photo downloaded from Google

 Plot twist I reiterated, I needed it, a hell lot of it! I dunno, maybe I'm tired, or maybe bored. I want changes in my life, and also, I wanted changes in me. 

Yesterday, I met R, I did mention in one of my entries that I will stop writing about him bt, this needs to be written. He wanted to see me, said he will be at the office after his shift. Nt that I liked the idea, just partly. This is nt the first time we saw each other, he attended the last talk in our community, nt that we talked, just nodded and smiled.

It's funny this time tho, how we so casually blurted out details of our lives when in fact we don't need to. When in fact, these things play significant roles to us that telling it to just acquaintances would nt be right . Family, house, life. Maybe that's because we are too familiar with each other. Or maybe the feeling is still there that talking about these things came out naturally. Feeling, my feelings, it did nt changed, well yes I can logically weigh things over bt emotionally, I'm still stuck. His face did nt change, it didn't have an effect on me, even his smile, nor his body, that's what my brain wanted me to believe, so I did. While talking to him, I realized, this is me, this is what I usually am, my comfort zone. This is what it's supposed to feel. This is the love that I've been looking for. The feeling that he has given me, the sense of security. He's just the very definition of my own version of love. And I die.


P L O T  T W I S T !!


I need change.

---
sometimes, you self destruct

What Would I DO If I Weren't Afraid?

I would behead all the people who sits in front of me in cinemas

I would laugh so hard in front of people just because!

I would stare at peoples faces when they're talking

I would speak my mind and wouldn't care who's hearing.

I would paint the rainbow black because I find it comforting

I would speak English more often

I would wear the clothes that I like to wear

I would nt care what everyone declares.

I would learn how to fight with a sword

I would take up law and finish that course!

I would eat balot and eat the whole thing

I would do what I want to hell with everything.

If I were not afraid

I would speak my mind and be heard!

I would nt care what everyone says just because

I would do what I want and be happy!!

I would learn about life and smile so widely.

---

Who Moved My Cheese? a reflection. 

A Grateful Heart and A Blissful Community ❤❤❤

To my father, who did nt only mentored me in my Math struggles during Elementary days, bt also mentored me in understanding my first heartache.

To my mother, who did nt only wash my clothes, ours rather, bt also washed away our bored faces when we have nothing else to do.

To my older sister, who did nt only lent me her watch, bt also lent me her wisdom and knowledge to discern things and situations.

To my younger sister, who did nt only scolds me with what I wear, bt also scolds me with my wrong decisions and actions.

To our youngest brother, who did nt only remind me of my responsibility as his older sister, bt also reminded me of the cute little things that made my childhood awesome!

To my close friends, who did nt only laughed with me during my craziness days in highschool, college til now that I'm working, bt also laughed with my internal struggles and adult-born-dilemmas. 

To my community, who did nt only became audience to my nonsense talks and out-of-the-blue laughs, bt also became audience as I worship and glorify the Lord.

To my workmates, who did nt only see me as a Marketing Assistant, bt also see me as their sister and friend. 

To the pen and notebook, because they did nt only taught me how to write, bt also taught me how to distinguish and discover my feelings.

To all the books that I've read, for nt only becoming my companion in times when I just want to shut myself away from civilization, bt also becoming a parallel world where I cn drown in my own thoughts and still remain afloat.

To all the songs that I've listened to, for nt only saying the words which I failed to say, bt also for saving me in awkward situations where I just want to melt in place.

To all the random aliens, ghosts, mortals, for nt only making me believe in the other side, bt for also sparing me from the boredom of simple thinking.

And to the Almighty Father, for without Him, how cn I be me.


For molding me into the best that I cn be! My heartfelt gratitude! I owe you one!

Ahhh wait.. .to this dude, who annoys the living hells in me with his words and his taunts, who calls me blind and Ella Ella Ella. Who makes me question lots of things, who makes me think. Who sees the me that I don't see. May our paths go where it shall go. I'm nt afraid, bring it on!













---
This is the result of the activity that we had in our community last night. It's actually fun, thanking people for the things they don't know they have imparted, shared and is capable of doing. I really enjoyed remembering how I was touched and or helped by everyone that I've met. It keeps me grounded and always, it reminds me that I am nt alone in this world. 

When a Girl Changes Her Hair.. .

She changes her life. 

Yesterday, after our movie date with my friend, I accompanied her to the salon. Prior to our date, she was already talking about cutting her hair. Her reason: donate it to cancer patients, very noble and very kind, bt a lie.

Why?

Because while in Mcdo, I probed her enough to make her confess that it was partly because she decided to move on (BIG WORD). "Move on from what?" I asked, "from him", saw this coming. We cn all agree tho, usually, especially with girls, the reason they move on  are guys. She has this crush / workmate for a year now. Within that year, they've already been to dates, exchanged thousands of messages and even tried the HHWW (holding hands while walking), her first. Bt they are nt a couple, he's nt even courting her. Within that year, the guy never made a move on her, never actually gave their relationship a label, never said anything that could become a hint that he likes her. Or maybe he does, as a friend, a company or a travel buddy, bt never as a girlfriend. 

While talking to her, I realized yet again that the things that I was telling her were the same deym words I too needed to hear. Girls tend to be like that, words are already enough, actions cn already satisfy, it doesn't work that way. Words should be reinforced by actions, and actions should be understood by words. Don't believe the old saying, "action speaks louder than words" it doesn't, nt now when there is already a big shift with the way people treat others. 

Because of her circumstance, my boredom and well, fun, I've decided to make a list of the little things that I should do to change my life:

• Change your hairstyle- "why does it always have to be me?" says the hair, well, changing your hairstyle, esp chopping it off if it's long, literally and "illiterally" makes you feel light. Let go of those unnecessary emotions that's dragging you down!

• Revamp your wardrobe- the new you needs a new armor too! it doesn't have to be fully bt gradually, take the first step. Let go of that old self and embody the new and 2.0 version of you.
• Do new things-  this one is a bit cliche' and I tell you it really is, bt it won't hurt to try. Find a new bt also relevant things to do, say, cooking, swimming or like most of my acquaintances, running. 
• Learn a new attitude- THIS IS FUNNY. I've actually done this, it may sound hard, bt it's actually a lot easier when you try it. As for me, I tried learning to laugh at almost everything, and it doesn't really matter where I am or who I'm with. 
• Talk to people- basically, talk, you don't need to talk about deep things, just let your mind play with words, let it speak, you will be amazed by your own thoughts, or scared (lol). If you're already talkative, then good!
• Go to events and places that interests you- by going to events, you will be able to meet different kinds of people with the same likes as you. learn from them, they sure cn offer varied things that you cn work on. Going to places cn spark inspirations and realizations. Travel.
• Say YES!- because opportunities sometimes knocks only once, by saying yes, you cn learn the things that you don't know, appreciate what you already do, and love what you don't. as what they say, you only live once!
• Refresh your playlist- I dunno why I added this, bt a lot of us do listen to music, and even if we don't admit it, we subconsciously feel the lyrics or the rhythm. Making us vulnerable to unwanted emotions, so! 
• Capture every moment- like how you captured every possible angle for that selfie, also capture moments, a nice sunset? take your phone or if you have a camera with you, take a shot! regular bonding with friends, take a groupie, you sure will look back and laugh at your funny wacky faces that time ;)
• Enjoy everything. Fear is a LIAR- never question your capabilities, if you don't try, you will never know! 

I'm no expert on this frankly speaking, we all have our ways of renewing ourselves! bt one thing's for sure, just be you, that's something nobody cn ever do!

---

the thing about pain.

If Words Could Kill

It was a night like any other nights, we were outside talking about everything reachable by the human brains, because we click that way. 

But actually, it was the night where I was dead serious on cutting him out of my system. I was tired of our mutually unlabeled relationship. I was tired of feeling like I am begging for his attention and time, I was tired of it all. I was tired of being tired. Aside from the fact that I'm nt used to being in this kind of set up, I'm also nt used to being treated this way! He seems like he is nt serious and sincere, he was good with actions bt was unable to clearly explain it with words. 

As I counted the things that needs to be stopped with our plight, he looked at me like how he looked at the sky with all the twinkling stars, his favorite; stars. I don't know what he was thinking that time, I want to hug him and tell him everything will be alright, the same words that I badly needed to hear. Bt nothing came out, nothing happened, we just stood there in silence. Stared at each other, calculating our next move, or the next move of the other one. It did nt look good in any angle. It was bad, we were drifting apart, slowly. Then he asked, "why is this happening?" 

.. .

Silence

I don't want to feel any of what I'm feeling right now. I'd rather feel nothing at all. So I will let you go.

---

how to die an awful death.

Up to the Brim!

Last May 21-22, 2016 is my first ever experience in seeing people come together in professing their love and commitment to God. I was humbled especially to the sharers, awed by the speakers, and basically taken-a-back by all of the participants who gathered in the four corners of Danao Subic Center.

When I attended the conference, I thought I knew love, I thought I knew how to distinguish it, I thought I knew how to discern people who speaks of it. No, I did not, not that well tho. As what I’ve learned from Tito Amit, love, is not just the happiness that you feel when you’ve watched the movie you’ve waited for ages. Love is the joy that finally, you have rewarded yourself a gift, may it be in a form of a movie or a dine in or shopping, it is internal, permanent, and constant. Love, is not just a feeling, it is like a prayer, it has lots of forms, but, whatever form we use, the important thing is the posture of our hearts when we pray; constant and consistent, as what Sis Gilda phrased it. Lastly, love is not something you can easily ask from someone, it is given freely, so when someone gives you their love, may it be their time, advice, or their blessings, a simple thank you is the only answer! And of course, as Tita Jo Anne said, “pay it forward”

I came in with little knowledge of things, but came out full, up to the brim! With wisdoms and learning’s, but then again, this is just the start. Because as what Tito Marthin said, “We have a God who wants us to be eternally happy”. Ask, believe and be ready to receive His blessings!


---
This is the reflection that I have submitted as part of the Docu team for our Community's Provincial Conference. 

This is part of my do the things that you like program, where I just do things without second thoughts, I'm a planner you see, bt now, I'm learning the art of spontaneity. At first I was very excited as to what I'd be doing in the conference, bt then I realized it was very simple. All I need to do is listen to all the talks. Bask all the information and understand it. "Very easy" I remembered telling myself. Bt then, when I finally met the other writers, whom I already know, I was kind off pulled back, these people write, which I confirmed when we were in the v-hire off to the venue, they read and write. Nt that I want to compare myself to them, that's the least that I'd do, bt I can't help bt think, gesh I'm such a mediocre compared to these three . 

I was anxious and a bit lost after the conference. I did nt know what to write, I did nt know how to start. I did nt know what to entitle it. Basically I did nt know anything. So I just let my subconscious do what it does best. I let it flow, and before I knew it, I finished a reflection a day before the actual submission. And it's nt actually bad as well, it was pretty simple tho. I was happy with it, so carried away, I immediately submitted it to the editor. A bad move, I was planning to have it proofed read by my sister bt she was still unavailable that time so I forgot. When she buzzed asking me bout it, I just forwarded the reflection with the thoughts that she'd have a nice review. A total opposite to what she gave. "It was simple" nt a nice comment, I tried to explain that I did nt want to give a deep reflection because the sessions itself are already deep. She laughed at me and told me she would have liked it if it was deeper. So I became worried about my reflection, this was my first time writing for a few more audience, well, this one doesn't really count since no one follows me and or reads my entries. I told my sister about my struggles on the other writers and about my simple reflection. She reassured me telling me that it was simple because I totally understood all the talks. That was why I was able to translate and write it down into it's most simplest form. I regained my ground, still a bit worried, I can't really do much now since it's already with the editor. So I just let it pass, thinking, this is just for this time.

I moved on and forgot about it, then the reflections were published, and I was shocked to see people liking my reflection. Nt that it was well liked, bt it was read, and liked~

Even more shocking and gratifying was when I was congratulated and praised by the other three writers. The other one even said I was good in playing with words. It really made my day! And it made me realize, when you do what you like, you shouldn't care much of others thoughts about it. Trust and have faith in your abilities, you honed it for like all your days on Earth afterall.

Reaching

After my first break up, I started hating my phone. It is useless and seems to do nothing bt remind me of the person who's supposed to be texting me. Which I do not enjoy. I was used to having someone at constant communication. 

When I met T, and started exchanging messages with him. I learned the art of replying after, two or three minutes or maybe five or 10. He does nt reply instantly. He once told me that it cn either he's doing something (wc apparently is at all times, based on his replying schemes) or he fell asleep (wc I've experienced a couple of times). 

The one above, is an example of our exchanges. What difference does today have than the other? As you can read in the convo, my last message was me informing him that I already forgot his voice and face~

After that last message, he called, only to remind me of his voice. I was kinda happy with what he did. I told him if he was alarmed that I've already forgotten his voice and face, then he told me he just pitied me cause I was like a kid. It was a cute gesture, and I know that he was joking and that he was alarmed (his veeeery sarcastic) I told him I now remembered and we jumped in to a new convo. There's just lot's of things that I want to tell him. He asked me to sing a song. He sang me a song last time so he is asking me now to sing him a song too. I sang him a few lines of Reaching, it is a Christian song that I was singing since I woke up. For your reference visit this: 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UByrCER9Ppw


I never realized how happy and excited I was while telling him snippets of the things that I wanted to tell him face to face until my sister snapped at me telling me to go out because I was very noisy. I remembered what I've read in Nisekoi, it's a Japanese comics that I follow. The story is about a guy who likes two girls, bt in the end he must choose only one. He was in a crossroad when his bestfriend told him about some small points he might want to consider to know who he loves. Here's a screenshot of what his bestfriend said:

This made the guy realize who he really loves. Although I did nt fully believed, the things that the bestfriend said stayed in my mind. I can't seem to forget it. So every time I find something, or experience something, I always take note of the first person that I want to tell it to.

For now, I'm beginning to be grateful with my phone again, nt because it keeps me at constant commu with T, bt because it taught me to wait and to give space and time to things. And that, nt all things needs to be told thru messages. Talking in person is way better.

---

this and other drugs

4:45 AM thoughts

"How are you?" he asked, through a text message. He was currently in their province.

Nt fine, bt you don't need to know. You don't need to hear. That I'm dying to hear your voice, that I missed you so much! That I want to see your face. That I want to feel your cool, calm, collected aura. Because it is too early. It is nt the right time.

You don't need to know, because, maybe they are right, I still need to contemplate on this really hard., 

I will try.

I don't know how. 

I've opened myself to you enough to want you to stay. Please. But I don't want to hurt you, or burden you of a mess that's me. I hope this were all a dream. And I'd wake up still having everything from the start."

No, him, no, you, just me.

Can't everything be that simple?

I told him I'm very fine. Another lie~

---

from the start

Fixing a Broken Heart

While eating in Front Gate one night,  T told me he is actually busy, we were talking about his busy sched stopping him from gaining weight. I asked what's keeping him busy and he told me he is fixing a broken heart.

I looked at him and laughed. 

I continued by asking him who it was, but he won't say it. Well, I have an idea.. .ME?

Maybe it was me, well, let's just say for arguments sake that he's referring to me. Because after that talk, when we were outside our compound, when I mentioned about my ex just citing a memory, he then said that I still haven't moved on. I don't believe it, well, I did not agree to him. I told him that just because someone talks about a person from their past doesn't mean they want them back. Like the past, is the past, yes, but it's still a part of that person, you can't just erase it easily. It's a part of them.

He looked at me and said, that's why sometimes I don't know what to do to you, sometimes I get sad cause you're soo negative and pessimistic and sometimes pity you cause you're talking about your ex. (told in my own understanding) 

I was kind off taken-aback by what he said, he pitied me, like seriously??!. My reply was pretty obvious, so don't tell me you're just talking to me cause you pity me? 

He laughed and told me no, then continued, but if you really want to move on, you need to forget him. 

I don't see the point of forgetting, it was a good memory, I will not haha.

We laughed and moved to a new topic. We click that way hahaha

---

to my optimist pet! thank you, you are, as always, thoughtful XD

talk April 30 - May 1, 2016, Tupas St. Flores Compound

My Lie in April~

It was a lie, when I told you we were already in a relationship with that person. It was a lie, when I did not reply to your last message 4.28.16. It was a lie, everything. 

But I was happy with the result :) 

I'm happy for you nam. You finally found your happiness!

As for me, I don't think someone would ever accept a broken, problematic, selfish, mean, rude person so maybe I'd just stay single and take care of my parents haha.

Hey nam, remember these? hahahah they still exist in my drive :D

This entry will be my last post about you. I don't know what to write anymore. 

I was sad, when I read your post, I questioned myself, was I that bad, have I not given you happiness. Maybe I haven't. That is why I won't try to be in a relationship anymore. Because I destroy people. I don't know how to appreciate, to love and to care for them. I don't know anything. 

Thank you tho, for showing this to me, it hurts but it's essential for me to learn. I have always thought that you won't give me the pleasure of being brokenhearted haha. But you did, so easily. When this is all over, I wish I'd have a chance to meet you again. In another circumstance, maybe another lifetime. 

or in a parallel universe, let's meet again.. .let me show you what you've taught me ;)

---

nagareboshii

Personal Hell

For our sharing in the office, where I was one of the sharer (Tuesday) the question was, where do I go or what do I do to be happy? why?

A very simple, yet very tricky question. Why?

They say, being happy is a choice. Really? Can you instantly be happy just because you wanted to be?

Because I don't. I won't. 

Even if I tell myself to be happy. Even if I threaten me, I won't be happy. Even with a big giant smile in my face. Deep down, if I'm sad, I'm sad.

Yes, technically, I let the sadness succumb me. I let it take over. Feel it. Feel it until it doesn't feel anymore. I don't usually cry, I don't usually get sad, even with all the troubles in the world, I don't. But you can never tell, especially these past few days. I've been sad. Terribly sad. Not because I lost my happiness. But because I've loved the wrong person. Who would've thought that I would get sad because of my name- love.

Eventually I will be happy. It will take time yes. But going through the process will help you gain a lot of understanding about yourself. And now I know, I'm not as strong as I thought as was.  I'm not all smiles. It's not always sunny. It's not always kya kya~ You sometimes need to feel hurt. To feel sadness. YinYang.

You, what do you do to be happy?

---

there goes my heart.

There Lies the Problem

During my highschool days, I never thought about relationships. But I've read about them. There's just soo many books about them. From strangers turned to lovers, friends turned to lovers to lovers turned to enemies turned to lovers again and the list goes on. I live there. In the comfort of the books. So I've never really experienced a real romance during high school, which supposed to be is the height of that.  

But because of books, I made a criteria, qualifications of my future boyfriend, and deym, there are too many! Well, I was idealistic that time. Just for FUN, here's the list:

QUALITIES OF A GUY (my version)

. Has a negative aura (long live the pessimists!)

. Quiet, timid, shy type, cool guy 

. Tall

. Small or petite (but heavier than me)

. Not white, not dark

. We have opposing beliefs (ha ha ha! So I can argue)

. Fights back when taunted or argued (in a sensible manner)

. Enjoys my being cynical about love (he he he!)

. Smarter than me, but lazier in that manner (hahaha xp)

. Loves my being narrow-headed (egocentric!)

. Talks only to me, smiles only to me (selfishness right)

. Does hover.. .only to me

. Laughs at my clumsiness (gyahaha)

. Easily gets jealous

. Gives time for everything, knows how to be caring

. Knows how to sing and dance too!

. Knows how to draw animated pics

. Loves ANIME!!!

. Not boastful to his deeds

Don't be quick to judge, I was a highschooler back then, and it's quite funny, I actually found the list in one of my "diary" hahaha it pays to have one ;) tho, I omitted some of the qualities, partly because it's too funny and partly because I don't want you guys to read it lol.

Six years later.

I've experienced love. Tried the sweep-you-off-your-feet moment! And fell hard. Like gesh! Really hard.

But it did not last. Good things never do. 

But don't worry, I'm moving on ha ha ha! 

This is just one of those times where I'd stop and think about the "how's" and the "why's". So when I found the list, I was kinda knocked by my senses, real hard. 

There lies the problem. 

We were too busy looking at a list of the qualities that we want we forgot to appreciate each other's differences. 

He, for one is a people person, he goes to his friends, drinks, have some night life. While here's me, who just enjoys the comfort of my home, a friggin home body. While he enjoys dancing, going to gym or going out to jog, I enjoy reading, watching anime, eating, watching movies at home or cinema. 

Add those up, it will be an awesome pair. 

At first.

But not for long. Because at some point, he started questioning why I don't allow him to drink with his friends. I started getting tired and turned down every invitation of going out with him and his friends. Every time I tell him about a manga or a book that I'ved read, he will just brush it off. Not really listening. Not really caring if I finished the story or not. 

We lost interest in each others interest. 

There lies the problem.

Maybe we have some of the qualities that we both were looking, but is it really an assurance? Will you be able to continuously love a person if they have all the qualities? will it be enough? 

No.

Because loving a person shouldn't be bounded by those. BECAUSE when you choose to love a person, you should love them as is. Who they are. What they're made of. What makes them "them". Their tears, laughter, their anger, anxiety, their face when they're hungry, pissed. All of it. Most importantly, what they will become.

If you can't, leave the person alone so the right one can come and love them right. 

So! I'm waiting for Mr. Right :) and I hope he will choose to still love me even if I'm broken, mean, selfish, rude or even if I change. 

---

because I'm soo deym tayeeeerd of going in circles. 

The Art of Hating~

He'll stay with her but he loves and miss me. How is that even possible?

How can someone recklessly tell you he loves you while being in a relationship to somebody else at the same time ?!

I'm evil. selfish. mean. rude. But I can't do that. 

I can't fake emotions. I can't fake feelings. But how can he so easily do that? 

Was it taught in school? was it learned? have you developed it after being in many relationships? I don't know. I want to know. Because, you're hurting people with that. I thought you were good, I thought you care. It was all words. You were always good with words. I miss you. I love you. You're cute. You're beautiful. I will never let you go. Forever.

Words.

Will you just stop sprouting words that don't really mean a thing. Will you stop saying things that you can't even prove. Will you stop giving hopes. I can only take this much. I can only take this much. Any more will kill me.

I'm sad today because I believed in you. 

I will be sad this week because I still believe in you.

I will be sad for this month because I have always believed in you.

After that I will hate myself, for being a coward and choosing the happiness of another girl more than mine. I will hate myself because I will let you go even if I know that you are my only happiness. Only. I will hate myself because I will let you go even if I still love you.

So! to finally say goodbye, to err, officially break my last hope, let me write a love letter. 

Dear Nam,

How do you write a love letter?, I wanna receive one too. Hnn, maybe this is a bit late, because it's been what, two months already. Two freakish hellish months down hahaha! 

Okee! so how do you write a love letter?

For me it would be like this, I will start with the most cliche' part, the one where you look at me and my heart would flutter like it's about to leap out of my chest. I will start it with telling you that every time you place your head in my shoulder I would feel this tingling sensation and I really enjoy it and would then wish that you don't remove it there. 

And then I will describe your face, your happy face, the ones I took in MountainView, when we spent the night there. Your smile was irreplaceable. Your jealous face, when you told me you don't want other people to send me home, when we saw each other in Avalance Fuente. Your cute face, when you try to remember something but in the end you still forget. Your angry face, which I seldom see (only in your house, or when you talk about your work) because you always tell me that you don't ever get mad at me. Your hungry face, when you want to eat longganisa in Chinese Ngohiong and I will always taunt you for not eating ngohiong when we're in fact in a ngohiong store, you're weird that way haha. Your thinking face, where I will pinch your nose because I want to. And then there's your "that" face, which I only saw once, and that was when you told me you're slowly losing your feelings. And it broke my heart. deym. Your face when you tell me I'm cute, beautiful, when you tell me you love me, you miss me. Your face when you're pissed because I always play silly jokes on you or tell you I don't miss you or I don't love you.

Even when describing your face I'm already happy hehe. But let's not stop there. Remember when we were talking at SRP, with the big gigantic sea in front of us. We talked about almost anything, for me that was priceless, priceless than the movies that we've seen. Than the places that we've been to. Because above anything else, I am very interested in knowing you. I want to know your likes, dislikes, your favorite color, food, what irks you up etc. I want to know your plans. What keeps you going. What motivates you. What makes you who you are.

I love you nam.

I now have the courage to say it because you're not mine already haha, because I won't have the privileged of loving you anymore. I'm sorry. Because when we were together, you seldom hear this from me, because I'm not good at saying what I really feel. Because I love you so much I can't put to words what I feel. So I called you an idiot instead, or stupid, I called you a kid, immature, someone with so many f**k ups. 

When I say stay away from me every time we fight, but all I ever want was for you to say  "no".

I'm so sorry Nam, from the bottom of my heart.

When I just stay silent every time I have problems with your actions, when I don't tell you what you've done. When I shouted at you (well, I really have this small voice so it won't count haha) When I always question your decisions. When I asked you for impossible things, e.g make me your priority. When I wake you up in midnight because I woke up. When you end up awake because you don't want to sleep ahead of me. When you end up borrowing money from your aunt because I want to watch a movie or eat out. I'm very sorry Nam. 

For all the memories that I have deleted in fb and tried deleting in my brain. Thank you so much! You were so sweet. So thoughtful. So caring. It's so good to be loved by you. But now, I can only smile at those memories. Because at those times, I was truly happy. 

Please be happy. Because I want you to be :) because that's the only thing that I'd be wishing you.

Love,

Your Star.